Everis-Cale

If only you knew how much you were needed
How much you were required and how much you were loved
It would be simple to just tell you
But where would the reward in that be?

Sometimes you leave, others you are taken before your time
But the end result is the same
You are still gone, and there is still a space where you belong

Sometimes it is hard to show how much you mean
To show how much you do without realising
To make you understand the difference that you make to our lives

Sometimes I wonder if your better off not knowing
If it would be simpler to keep this all to myself
But then I think of the happiness this could bring to you
But also the confusion it could cause

And yet I remain silent, not telling and unrevealing
Still confused as to what to do
Regardless of what you mean to me
And you have done, and will continue to do

You are an inspiration, a muse, a symbol
But above all else you are my Friend
And will forever have a space with me

I'm sure everyone knows the saying the heart wants what the heart wants. And in many cases this is far too true.
Now, wanting something, there's nothing wrong with that in any way or form, it's not hurting anyone or doing anything to anyone.

But then there is the situation where the heart wants what the heart can't have. Now this is where things can become complicated.
There are somethings like this that you simply have to let go of, move on and enjoy your life, but there are others that the attraction is too great, great enough that it causes pain, longing, anger or depression.

I am in the latter of those two situations as of the current time. Chasing after a girl who has already been taken by another.
This doesn't surprise me with the amount of luck my life is proving I don't have, but it doesn't stop it hurting that shes with him, or causing sadness when I see them together.

The hardest part about all this, and the reason I don't simply move on and enjoy my life, is the attraction is too strong, what me and her share even though she has a bf is to meaningful for me to simply drop it and walk away.
I feel bad when I try to create a distance so that I can unattach these feelings for her, I feel bad when it feels like shes distancing herself.

This is always what has happened to me. Specially in the past year. Any attachment I feel, there is always something that stops me and pushes me back.
Guess I'm just not meant to be with someone at this stage in my life, but why does that mean I should be miserable?

that I can be fine all day, happy, cheerful, smiling and laughing. Then as soon as night strikes, and the sun fades beyond the horizon, my cheerful bright mood seems to fade along with it.

Its as if the night brings out the true nature that I hide within myself with out my realizing it.

I hate it, I hate that I can't be cheerful during the night, regardless of who is around me, or what we are doing.

Don't know what it is, but its only during the dark hours of the day, that I feel like this at all....

So I'm sure we all know there are many different types of people, each with different personality types and traits, and recently I have been digging around to try find out what I would consider myself to be, what sort of role I feel I would play in others peoples lives.

I originally toyed with the idea of having a healer type personality, you know, helping others with anything wrong with their lifes and getting them up and running again. But while that does fit with who I am and what I do for my friends, it didn't cover all the bases, didn't feel right.

After some more thought on the subject I fell upon the concept of a protector, a person who would selflessly give themselves to save others, to protect them from harm, whether physical or emotional. Someone who would take the pain or suffering onto themselves simply to help the people around them. It was a perfect fit.

I have always cared so much about my friends, quite often too much, and it has on many occasions gotten me hurt, sometimes more than others, but still hurt in the end. I have tried to deny my nature, to not let myself get so caught up in other peoples lives, to not let there problems affect me, but I could never turn my back on anyone, could never ignore my friends when they were in need, and for this I have gotten dragged deeper beneath their problems, as well as being crushed by my own.

As a protector, its against my nature to let people in, I don't like to burden people with my issues, don't like to share my pain and would much rather deal with other peoples issues than my own. This can be a horrible thing, as it just repeats untill my problems become so large I can not simply ignore them anymore, and when the levy breaks nothing can slow the fall. I get overwhelmed, crushed by the weight of the issues I should of dealt with, and yet while I am being crushed I am still trying to support others. Its never ending.

I have also found this ideal to stick with me in a work place enviroment, I take on so much more responsibility than I should, and in the end become a pillar, a support for all the other staff. I learn things what most would ignore as its not part of their job, and thus people always come to me for help. This is also why a postition in management has always interested me, because I know people would come to me and I would be able to help them.

I don't know if I have noted everything that I have discovered, or thought about as far is this is concerned, but I will be adding to it as I think of more.
Now tell me guys, do you agree with this? or not?
Let me know, and think about what you would class yourself as?

So in the past few days I have noticed with a growing annoyance (for some reason) that alot of the people I once considered as friends have been ignoring me, not just here and there, but to the point that if I'm in the room they don't even notice me.

In some ways this is great as I am getting sick of constantly having people at my place, ever since Chris moved in it hasn't been quiet at all, which has at times been ok, but when you can't sleep, and still have to work unlike others, it can really cause havoc with your mental and emotional state, not to mention your physical well being.

So having people ignore I can deal with, didn't have a lot of respect for some of them from the start anyway, others I sorta looked up too but that respect is slowly falling away along with the facade I used to hide these facts.

I don't know if they realize that my respect for them is dropping, and sadly but honestly doubt they have noticed, which will make things interesting soon enough.


But, on the other hand, due to the prior events mentioned above, I have found a select few people who still hold my respect to greater levels than most people ever could.
Those people consist of Mike (flatmate), Emma (close friend), Alicia (potential girlfriend), Lousie (work mate) and Fabian (also a friend made at work).
These people have always, and still show that they care about me, that they are interested in whats happening in my life and vice versa. But with only so few out of all the "friends" I have, I believe I seriously need to get out and meet more people.

Honestly its gotta be better than this!